Hoot-chan Kawaii Desu!!!: September 2009

There was one fine day like any other when I was defecating in my toilet. As I was happily emptying my bowels I happened to glance up for no particular reason. And then I saw it - an infernal cockroach, perched on my bathroom wall in a twitchy yet serene manner. Now it wasn't a very big cockroach; I estimated it to be an infant, so its disgust factor was not very high. Nevertheless, the sight of such vermin lurking in the same room where I keep my toothbrush was not exactly a very comforting notion. Thus I made the conscious decision to not only extricate the creature from the premises, but also to inflict as much suffering upon it before it expires completely. I therefore proceeded to evacuate the last remnants of my fecal matter and stood up from the cistern. Then, carefully, using a piece of toilet roll, I gently grabbed the offending insect which, at my touch, twitched incessantly, which irritated me to no end. In fact, I was downright disgusted; repulsed even. Nevertheless, I strived to continue with my mission. I then dropped the cockroach from a considerable height into the middle of the toilet bowl. It was at this moment that I took the time to watch the heathen wallowing in unadulterated human waste. It gave me great pleasure to imagine the screams of total and utter despair being inflicted on my victim. For those of you who can't imagine it, picture your mother being submerged in a tank full of elephant dung from an elephant with severe gastrointestinal parasitic infestation. And it had diarrhoea too. And not the kind of clear, watery diarrhoea, but the sticky, goey, floccuous, viscous diarrhoea. Now imagine this on a cockroach. I hope you get the very idea. When my sadistic desires had been completely satiated, I bade my dear friend goodbye and depressed the toilet lever. Goodbye old friend. May you have a safe and pleasant journey. Thus ends Part 1 of my dramatic TOILET SAGA. (Excerpt from the memoirs of Lady Wellington of Eton Hall)